The Myth of Balance: Life as a Working Mom Married to a Firefighter

Between Shift Change and Baseball Practice

If you know me, you know I survive off of copious amounts of caffeine, sometimes a well planned calendar and a majority of the time in my car running from one spot to the next. I’ve heard it time and time again from coworkers, friends and family, “I don’t know how you do it”. The truth is, sometimes I don’t know either and sometimes I royally screw it up too! While this blog post doesn’t have educational materials or specific activities in it, it is a more personal glimpse into my life and quite frankly the lives of many other parents out there. Whether you work or stay home, are married or a single parent, most of you can relate to the chaos and that we all have one common goal of trying to balance it all!

Balance is something I feel is talked about often, but life is not always picture perfect and being married to a firefighter, we don’t operate on a perfectly balanced schedule in our household. We operate on shift work (for both of us), sports practices, school events, last minute schedule changes and being flexible. Some days my husband is home and able to help with drop offs, dinners, and practices. Other days he’s gone for a 24 hour shift and everything is falling on me. If you are a fire wife or first responder spouse I’m sure you are aware of the very special “this never happens when he’s off shift moments” like a bird casualty in the backyard or the leak underneath the sink (been there done both of these)! Somehow, we get through it!

The Unique Challenges of a Firefighter Family Life

Something that I feel like is often not understood by those who aren’t living the first responder life  is that life still goes on even when they aren’t home.

Birthdays happen.

School concerts happen.

Sporting events happen.

Holidays happen.

Sometimes’s they’re there for those moments and sometimes they’re not. There have been Christmas mornings adjusted around shifts, family dinners postponed and events attended solo because that is simply the reality of this career.  This doesn’t make it easy, but it does force you to learn some flexibility and it teaches your children resilience. While our children are incredibly proud of the jobs we have, they have also learned these lessons and learned, holidays are more than just the day they fall on, they can be celebrated on completely different days and they are about the moments you spend together, rather than what day it falls on.

Dispatcher (me!)

Our situation is even more unique in the fact that with me working in dispatch I work long hours in a different branch of the fire service. Both parents work shifts that take away portions of our  nights, holidays and weekends, because emergencies don’t stop. Even with all the growing pains of both of us being in a similar field, I feel like we have done a good job of trying to balance each other out and make things work so that even if we both can’t be there, typically one of us can!

The Mental Load No One Talks About

Beyond our schedules and the events that may be missed due to being a fire family, there is one thing many moms know all too well: the mental load.

This week is spirit week! Did I sign the permission slip? Don’t forget the dentist appointment. Most recently my favorite, did we grab little man’s backpack? That last one happened twice in a matter of the last month of school might I add and if you are wondering why his backpack is our responsibility, it is because he simply is so tiny that the bag is still weighing him down, so we do him that solid until he has to put it on to go to class! These are the invisible tasks that go unnoticed, but keep the house running. With a husband who is gone consistently, there are seasons where the mental load feels especially heavy.

I really struggled with this early on. I went from not doing much for myself and living at home, to moving in together and becoming someone who was alone 3 days a week! There was a lot of life lessons learned for quite a few years during this time and a cashmere sweater or two that never lived to see another day, but we got through it!

What I’ve Learned About Balance

The biggest lesson I’ve learned about balance is that it’s not something to be achieved, but something I constantly adjust. Some weeks work gets more of me, some weeks the kids do, sometimes I am alone more than having my husband here and lets be real, most the time the laundry wins, but sometimes I do too! Those moments where I get to spend time in the backyard watching Charlotte improve her consistency of her pitches and spend one on one time with her, that’s a mom win for me, but rest assured I didn’t get that time with her by having all the laundry folded, I chose balance! The goal isn’t perfection, it’s making sure the people I love most know they’re loved, supported and cared for.

Letting Go of Perfect

I spent many years yearning for more and wanting a picture perfect life. I was getting nowhere and actively irritating everyone else around me and I wasn’t happy either. I’ve stopped striving for perfect or even perfectly balanced days and I’ve focused more on on creating a life that works for our family.

Sometimes our house isn’t spotless, sometimes dinner comes from a drive-thru and sometimes our schedules change. Things aren’t always picture perfect in our house, there is chaos, missed holidays, long shifts and constantly checking a calendar, but we are building something bigger. We’re building our family, our legacy and teaching our kids to be a part of something bigger than themselves and that’s enough. Whatever walk of life you are coming from, single mom, first responder spouse, working or staying home, you don’t need to balance everything perfectly, you just need to keep showing up.

Happy Learning!

-Victoria